This Devoted Life
What started as a Saturday morning coffee date turned into a podcast where we discuss our faith, family, finances and so much more!
In a world that is encouraging you to “live your truth” and to “follow your heart,” we want to encourage you to live Devoted to THE Truth. The Bible has a lot to say about how to live a victorious Christian life, and we want to share practical insight in how to apply those truths to your life as we endeavor to apply them to our own lives as well.
We are passionate about building and growing the nuclear family, as well as sharing our expertise and experience with finances, homeschooling, and over 70 years of combined biblical knowledge.
Join us as we live… This Devoted Life!
James and Shanda
This Devoted Life
31: Conflict in Marriage: A Biblical Look at How to Handle Conflict with Your Spouse
Marriage conflict – it's the reality every couple faces, but few know how to navigate effectively. In this candid conversation, we pull back the curtain on one of the most requested topics from our listeners: how to handle disagreements in marriage with biblical wisdom.
What truly lies at the heart of marital discord? The scripture points clearly to selfishness and pride as the root causes of conflict. We share a personal story about a recent disagreement that could have festered but was quickly resolved through a simple act of humility. This perfectly illustrates how "keeping short accounts" prevents bitterness from taking root and damaging your relationship over time.
The biblical principles we explore provide practical guidance for any marriage. From speaking truth in love (without weaponizing correctness) to offering a soft answer that turns away wrath, these timeless truths transform how couples communicate. We discuss real-world applications like asking questions to understand your spouse's perspective, praying before confrontation, and seeking unity rather than victory.
For couples navigating more complex issues, we offer wisdom on when and how to seek godly counsel – with an important warning about the difference between finding someone who validates your position versus someone who helps you discover biblical truth. Throughout the episode, we emphasize that while you can't change your spouse, your response dramatically influences the outcome of any conflict.
Whether you're in a season of harmony or struggling through difficult conversations, these biblical approaches to conflict resolution create the peaceful, loving home every family desires. Join us for this honest, scripture-based discussion that will equip you with practical tools to strengthen your marriage through even the most challenging disagreements.
Scripture:
Ephesians 4:31 - "And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you."
James 4:1 - "From whence come wars and fightings among you? come they not hence, even of your lusts that war in your members?"
Proverbs 13:10 - "Only by pride cometh contention: but with the well advised is wisdom."
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 - "Charity sufferers long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up..."
Ephesians 4:15 - "But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ."
Proverbs 15:1 - "A soft answer turners away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger."
Ephesians 4:26-27 - "Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: neither give place to the devil."
Colossians 3:13 - "Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye."
Philippians 4:6-7 - "Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God."
James 1:19 - "Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath."
Mark 10:8-9 - "And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but on flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder."
Proverbs 11:14 - "Where no counsel is, the people fall" but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety."
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Website: This Devoted Life
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Email: podcast@thisdevotedlife.com
What started as a Saturday morning coffee date turned into a podcast where we chat about things like faith, family finances and so much more.
Speaker 2:In a world that is encouraging you to live your truth and to follow your heart. We want to encourage you to live devoted to the truth.
Speaker 1:The Bible has a lot to say about how to live a victorious Christian life, and we want to share practical insight in how to apply those truths to your life, as we endeavor to apply them to our own lives as well.
Speaker 2:If you enjoy this podcast, please leave us a review and share these episodes with your friends so that you can help them live this devoted life too. Welcome to another episode of this Devoted Life podcast. So a few weeks ago, I sent out a message on Instagram and asked the community members there what topics they would like for us to talk about on the podcast, and, overwhelmingly, the response that I got was conflict and merit.
Speaker 1:Ah, that's tough because we've never had any conflict.
Speaker 2:Never, at least for a solid hour At least. Yes, yeah, so anyways, we thought we would try to tackle this topic. We obviously don't have it quite all figured out, but I think we have a pretty good marriage and are decent at resolving conflict.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I like to think so. We're still married. Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2:That's just the real part of this right.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. Yeah, and I think that's kind of part of this.
Speaker 2:It's the real raw conversations that we have, which is probably why it's being requested is because this is something that is very prevalent within marriage. But I mean, that's what happens when you have two people who are living so closely together, who are having to do things together but have differing opinions on things, and yeah, yeah, I think honestly a lot of times the closer you are to someone, the more conflict that you're apt to have, right, I mean, if you, what do?
Speaker 1:they say that familiarity breeds contempt, and it does happen, right? I mean, as we go through our lives, we learn about more about each other. There's some baggage there, there's all kinds of things, and if you want to be manipulative or whatever, I mean, you can actually bring up things from the past that are just those daggers. You know when, the wrong time or the right time whatever you want to look at it. You can bring those things up and it can be very, very damaging to a marriage.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, and I think the one thing that you're going to find in this episode that we're going to bring it back to a lot is that unfortunately, you can't change your spouse, so this is going to be a lot about how you personally respond in an argument. Absolutely Because that does affect how your spouse will respond as well.
Speaker 1:No question, yeah, yeah, as we go through life, we really only can control ourselves, and sometimes it's tough to do that right, but at least, like you said, you can't control other people. You can influence them, you can try to win them, you can try to do things that make it easier for them to change, but again, it's all about what you can do or can't do. That influences the people around you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so when we were thinking about this episode and just how we wanted to go about talking about this, the thing that I think we should start with is what is the root cause of most arguments?
Speaker 1:right.
Speaker 2:And there were a couple of verses that came to mind on this. For me, james 4.1 says From whence come wars and fighting among you? Come they not? Hence even of your lust, that war in your members. So what is that saying? It's basically saying that it's coming from what you want.
Speaker 1:It's your selfish desires, right? Yes, yeah, I mean, selflessness prevents so much and selfishness really contributes to that conflict and causes the conflict and really is, like you said, that root, that root cause. If you were doing a root cause investigation of what's going on here, yeah, selfishness is where it's at.
Speaker 2:And it's not saying like let yourself be bowled over you know, because we I mean, yes, there is the love and the respect in marriage that the Bible talks about a lot, but you also don't have to just like lay down and let your spouse just bowl over you either, because we're going to talk about some specific biblical principles that can help you in your response to your spouse, and one of them is speaking the truth in love.
Speaker 1:Absolutely.
Speaker 2:Because you can be right on something, but it is how you are talking to your spouse that may or may not get his hackles up, or you know, yeah, yeah, I mean honestly, there is a lot of power in going through these situations and making a difference.
Speaker 1:Right, like you said, it's not just, you know, rolling over and playing dead and you know, just letting your spouse, in this case, just get the best of you. It's letting your spouse in this case, just get the best of you. It's, and it's not also a win or lose situation, because then really you both lose. You know, I mean no one's winning right, you know if you win an argument.
Speaker 1:Really no one's winning in a marriage, especially. So don't look at it. As you know again, there's so many different contexts, you know, I mean different contexts that it's kind of hard to speak into every single situation.
Speaker 2:Yes, when it comes to conflict, the variables, are infinite on this.
Speaker 1:So you know, if you bookend this, there is the. I need to call the police or call an authority because something bad is happening or about to happen, right in authority because something bad is happening or about to happen right. And then there is the you know, smallest, really just tiny issue that people blow out of proportion. And you know, I think what we're talking about mostly is the in-betweens where it's a pretty big deal.
Speaker 1:I mean, it's something that you need to discuss and that could become a big issue, but you know a way to get through it together and you know it's kind of maybe it's the, you know agree to disagree, but you aren't fighting over it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, someone needs to put down the rope sometimes.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2:Proverbs 13.10 says Only by pride cometh contention, but with the well-advised is wisdom. So pride is really the source of most conflicts right.
Speaker 2:I was thinking about that this week. So you called me the other day on the phone and you wanted to talk about something and you were asking my opinion on a situation. And as you were talking to me, I could tell that you weren't really liking my response. How could you tell? Well, I thought that I was giving you know some biblical wisdom, and just you know what I knew from scripture and whatever, and it wasn't like it was not a big situation, but I felt like we were kind of getting pretty tense on the phone because I was like.
Speaker 2:I don't think I'm wrong in this, and you were kind of getting like a little like well, if we're going to do that, then we should probably do this Exactly, and it was kind of turning into one of those back and forth.
Speaker 2:So finally we both just said you know what, we're going to hang up the phone. But I got off that phone call and I was kind of like I just feel a little icky about that. So a few minutes later I just texted you and I said I don't like where we left that. And I said are we okay? You know like, do we?
Speaker 1:need to talk about this again Cause I just I didn't like the feeling that I had after we got off the phone Cause I was taking the kids to ball practice so I had some time and you knew, like basically we were driving and you know I mean it was just kind of like a lot going on, but then I was going to have a little bit of time. So I think you were kind of reaching that olive branch out to.
Speaker 1:Hey, if you, if we need to talk more about this now that you have time, let's talk about it, yeah.
Speaker 2:Well, it was funny because after I sent you that text message, you texted back and you said no, really, your answer was the one that I was already feeling that we should do, but I just didn't want that answer, and so it was as soon as you responded in humility and you were kind of like, yeah, you were kind of right.
Speaker 1:I already knew it in my heart. I was like it's all good.
Speaker 2:Yeah, just immediately I felt better, you felt better and we were able to move past it. And so really that just kind of shows how, as soon as that humility was reached, it just immediately dissipated the whole contention that was between us. It did, yeah.
Speaker 1:And I think that's part of it in marriage where, you know, sometimes we are actually kind of already on the same page. So, like in this situation, I had kind of gone through the whole gamut of answers in my head and I was challenging myself to start with it where it's like I should probably do that but I don't really want to, you know, and so I was.
Speaker 1:I had kind of started talking myself out of it and I was like you know, I better get Shanda's take on this. And when I called, you said what, where I had started and I'm like doggone it, you know, like I don't want to do this, and so it was my fault. You know what I mean me and because I had already thought about it for you know 15 or 20 minutes.
Speaker 2:You were wanting validation for what you wanted to do, not necessarily what we should do. Yes, exactly yeah.
Speaker 1:So sometimes it's as simple as.
Speaker 2:It was something minor, it was not a big thing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like a little misunderstanding, or maybe it's too much of you're on the same page already and I wanted some validation of like talking myself out of it, right.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So that's just, we wanted to share that because, I mean, that's what happens in marriage right, and so if we would have left that root of you know bitterness or you know contempt or whatever in there, then the next argument and the next one and the next one, and you know, if you do that over years, then that's what, that's how divorces happen, or or whatever you know whatever end scenario, and so it's kind of I guess to me the punchline of this is keep a short account, like don't let those things fester, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean, if you, if we hadn't have, you know kind of, did that real short, quick, back and forth text, I would have sat there and ruminated on it and then by the time you got home I probably would have been frustrated with you because, like I said, I didn't think I was wrong, which is another thing to like, cause I was trying to check my own heart, like am I wrong in this?
Speaker 2:And I was kind of going through just some biblical scripture and I'm going I don't think I am, I can't find anything to support this and, like I said, it was something minor. But yeah, had you not responded the way that you responded in that text back to me, I would have then been the one that was contentious when you came home because I probably would have ruminated on it for the hour you were gone, Right right, yeah, all right.
Speaker 2:So let's look at some just some biblical principles for handling conflict. I found some verses that I just kind of want to talk through and how they can be applied to dealing with conflict. You know, and the first one that I want to talk about is Ephesians 4.32. It says and be kind one to another, tenderhearted forgiving one another, even as God, for Christ's sake, hath forgiven you. That's kind of going to be our key verse. It's one that we talk to our kids about a lot of time, because often they are having conflicts, but really that applies to marriages as well.
Speaker 2:You know, we have to be kind, we have to be tenderhearted and we have to be quick to forgive. You know, 1 Corinthians 13, 4 through 7 says Charity suffereth long and is kind. Charity envieth not, charity vaunteth not itself and is not puffed up. Charity in the KJV is love.
Speaker 1:Right, yeah, and those verses come up a lot in weddings and marriage ceremonies, things like that, right, and it's so easy to just kind of use that as a thing to say because it's beautiful, it's poetry, it's scripture, and then everyone leaves for the day and no one remembers it. It's like no, let's keep that in our marriages and remember that true love does look out for the other person.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean suffering long, you know that's patience.
Speaker 2:And it's just sometimes you're going to have an off day and I need to show more patience towards you. You know, in that day and it's kind, you know I was thinking about this just this week Once again I was struggling and I just kind of shared with you that I had a hard night of sleep because I was kind of dwelling on some things. And you came up to me and you just said and this was like first thing in the morning and you just said I'm really sorry that you're feeling that way, and you gave me a kiss on my forehead and just your kindness like melted me. I just started crying because I was not expecting quite that compassion and that kindness and that response from you. And so when you gave that to me, it just was like this weight of relief, you know, that kind of came off my shoulders, knowing that you were empathizing with how I was feeling.
Speaker 2:So, you know, just if we're going to have bad days, and sometimes that conflict can come up because maybe your spouse is going through something, because there are oftentimes that you're going through something at work that I have no idea what's going on and sometimes that stress can come home and it comes out in little ways or maybe you're a little bit shorter with me or whatever and then it can build into an argument and I don't even know what we're arguing about but, there just seems to be this tension between us.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm really glad you said that because you were making me sound really good with the stories there. But no, I totally agree, and I think I had been noticing that you were struggling with some things, and so I wanted to, because, I mean just sincerely, sometimes I feel like, oh, just suck it up or whatever right I know and sometimes I need to hear that Sure, yeah. But no, I had noticed that you were just really kind of dealing with some things and I wanted to show that support.
Speaker 2:And you could have been taking them personally too, because they were coming out in a little bit of me lashing out, right, but they weren't related to you, and I think that sometimes what we have to realize is not everything is related to us Like there can be other things that our spouse is going through.
Speaker 1:I think that's a great thing to point out, and because sometimes we are so self-consumed that we think it's you know, and I know it might sound odd, but it's like everything's all about us you know, and it's like no, like they just had a bad day, you know like, and they're, you know like, wrongly taking it out on you maybe, but you know you didn't necessarily do anything wrong or whatever, and I think that just shows the humility and the patience and the selflessness, that it really.
Speaker 1:You know, I think it's Proverbs 15, 3, and I have no idea if this is in our notes, but you know a soft answer turneth away wrath. And it's that you know soft answer that really does. Not only does it turn away wrath, but it builds.
Speaker 2:And there's this like almost intimacy in a way that you feel, yeah, we talk a lot about just having a really good communication within marriage, because there have been so many times that I can see that I can feel that there's some tension and I feel like it's between us, and so I will just directly ask you are you mad at me or is it something else? And you'll be like nope, it's something else, and I'm like, okay, and then I can let it go and I can show you more grace, because you're obviously needing it in that moment.
Speaker 2:So communication is such a big thing with this.
Speaker 1:It is Totally agree.
Speaker 2:All right. Then we have Ephesians 4.15. It says but speaking the truth in love may grow up into him in all things, which is the head even Christ. We have to be very careful with our words. Right, we have to speak the truth in love. There are times that you will be right. There will be times that I am right. There are times where we are having a conflict, where one of us is right on the topic. But we can still choose how we communicate that we can speak the truth in love. And it's not coming and once again it's coming back to that pride. It's not coming from a place of pride, it's coming from a place of humility, coming from a place of pride. It's coming from a place of humility because you genuinely want what is best for your spouse and for your family and for your kids. And I think when you are able to speak the truth in love and in humility, your spouse is able to recognize that and it doesn't become this like tug of war between you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I agree, and I think this is another area to point out that some things are worth really digging into and vetting out. And then there are things where it's like pick and choose your battles.
Speaker 1:You know this isn't a hill to die on, so rather than just you know, it's like that little dog like nipping at your heels you know, and you know, just give it up, or you know, let's move on or whatever, but I agree that you have to listen and hear the other person out and make sure that you are you know again, I think all of this in my mind keeps coming back to pride, humility, selfishness, selflessness, and that you know, yes, like you said, like there are times where you'll say something and I don't want to admit. You're right about it.
Speaker 2:you know right, it's just that that's that pride in my heart.
Speaker 1:but I know you're right and I know that I need to support you in that decision or, you know, make a change myself. And I think that again it's back to a few episodes ago where I said it's simple, not necessarily easy. I think a lot of this is really quite simple. If we, just if you envision yourself outside of the argument and outside of the marriage and you were just in a casual observer, what would you think about you and your spouse at that time?
Speaker 2:Right, you know, I mean like they're acting like little kids, right, yes, right.
Speaker 1:And I think that's how most arguments are. Yeah, and if you just you know, I think sometimes you just have to step back and maybe laugh about it, you know because they are quite silly at times, and a lot of times they aren't. But you know, I think again it's hard to paint this. They all add up, though they do, yes.
Speaker 2:The silly ones all add up. So if you just feel like you're constantly arguing about even just the stupidest stuff, when it does come to a big argument you're both already on edge and it just blows up into something massive. You know, you've talked about this with me and the kids. I always appreciate the wisdom that you are able to give me because I'm home with the kids all day, so you are kind of that outside observer for me and I'll be like man. It just feels like I'm harping on the kids all day long and you're like well, stop harping Because, yes, you are probably right almost every single time, but is that really worth reprimanding them for in that?
Speaker 1:moment.
Speaker 2:You know, because it's probably not. They probably feel pecked at too, because you're just constantly peck, peck, peck, peck, peck, even though you are right, for the sake of unity in the family is that really you know, worth correcting.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and pick the opportunities to show them respect so that they can see what feeling the feeling of being respected is in. Are they being little kids or is there a real issue here? Or you know just all kinds of things and, like you said, when you're consumed by it being like or you can't escape it. I should say, then it is hard to you know see the forest or the trees through the forest you know.
Speaker 2:So yeah, hopefully that makes sense. Proverbs 15.1,. You had already touched on this. A soft answer turns away wrath but grievous words stir up anger.
Speaker 1:Sorry, I think I said Proverbs 15.3.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, so there you go, fact checking me Proverbs 15.1,. A soft answer turns away wrath, and that is just something you know. You are going to have conflict in marriage. That's just the plain and simple truth of it. Are going to have conflict in marriage, that's just the plain and simple truth of it.
Speaker 2:But how we choose to speak, you know, is our choice. Even if your spouse is not responding in a way that they should because we can't control our spouse if we're responding in gentleness, it's going to potentially change the way your spouse is responding too. It's kind of like, I mean, with kids. It's like they can be just like so ramped up and just kind of start be yelling because they're just like being completely ruled by their emotions. But a gentle answer to them usually can just like totally change the trajectory of the conversation.
Speaker 1:Absolutely yeah. I don't even know if there's anything more to say on that. It is just so true. Yep, yep.
Speaker 2:Yeah, ephesians 4, 26 and 27 then says be angry and sin not. Let not the sun go down upon your wrath, neither give place to the devil, and you touched on this with keeping a short account. You can be angry and not sin, because we all are going to experience emotion, and that is an emotion that was given to us from God. The problem with anger is that usually it is rooted in our pride, and that's where the sin comes out.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and if it is a righteous anger where you know, I think you know again, if you're in a marriage where one you know, your spouse, is not saved and they don't care about their faith, or anything care about God at all. That's going to be tough.
Speaker 1:I mean because you're unequally yoked right and those are going to be big challenges, and I do. This is an example of you know. That is a hill to die on, especially as you are trying to raise your children in a godly home, in a Christian environment, and expose them to the truth, and that's where it is going to be tough. I mean there is no getting around it.
Speaker 1:If you don't have a common goal, you're not pulling in the same direction. There are going to be challenges, challenges, and there is a lot of you know good information out there where maybe I think you always need to start in the Bible and vet out the truth. But maybe you should seek out you read some, you know, secular books. Maybe look at some leadership ideas, things like that, where you can share these ideas with them and maybe influence them. And obviously it has to align with scripture.
Speaker 2:But maybe they don't want to believe the Bible, but maybe they'll believe something that you share with them and then you know, as they start warming up to the idea, you can actually show them where the Bible says that too right, that is a biblical principle but it's just in, you know, you're kind of finding that common ground where you're meeting them, where they're at, but you know that it's a biblical principle and maybe can help them see how oh hey, the Bible, you know, talks about this after well, I cannot remember where this verse is, but it talks about like winning your spouse through your conversation, and that's literally that soft answer and just your righteous living can win them to Christ, absolutely, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:Consistency, all those things. But you know, going back to being unequally yoked, that is going to be a challenge. Another thing that I use often at work is especially I mean now that I'm 40 and.
Speaker 1:I'm not leading and influencing people that are at least twice your age, if not three times your age, and it was a challenge, right? But if you, I would ask questions, ask them questions and get some answers from them. And if you ask the right questions, again, it's not that you're being manipulative, it's just you are You're helping them to see yes and all of a sudden.
Speaker 1:Now it's their idea and you helped them get to that conclusion and maybe you can influence that way as well. So these are some different tactics, and again, I actually meant to bring out one of Jocko's books actually in kind of the field manual of leadership, because really that is a lot of what this is, and it doesn't matter if you're the male or female, the husband or the wife. We're one and we're both equally as important. Again, the man is required to lead the home and be a spiritual leader in the home.
Speaker 2:But ultimately I am to submit to your authority.
Speaker 1:Yes, Yep, yep. But you also compliment me and I, as the leader, love to have you shoulder to shoulder with me and we're pulling in the same direction and it's so much more just, successful and effective in our marriage, especially as we're raising our children and leading our children.
Speaker 2:I really like that practical advice of asking questions, because that makes the person that you are asking feel validated. It's like you want to know their opinion.
Speaker 1:Absolutely.
Speaker 2:And you also are then gaining an understanding of where they're coming from, and I think that that is something that hopefully we can, you know, offer and have someone take from this, because I know that when you ask me questions like, okay, well, why do you feel like that? Or what do you think is the right answer to this and why do you think that helps me feel heard and will make me respond in a totally different way to you? Absolutely.
Speaker 1:And sometimes I like literally, I'll have it decided right. You know, I mean, it's clear in my head and we'll go through this, not exercise, but this, you know, conversation and all of a sudden I'm like, oh man, like I man, like I guess I didn't think about it, Like you give me an answer and so again, it's not like I'm like cornering you, or angling you know, to you know, get my way, it's more it genuinely.
Speaker 1:When you do it genuinely again, I, you know, sometimes I'll do it totally with the thought that I have this answer and I just want you on board, and then I'm like oh well, I just learned something new or you know, like yeah I, maybe we won't do that this time. But, you know, that's a great idea or whatever, yeah so again, it's collaborative.
Speaker 1:If you can turn it into a collaborative thing and you know again, as you're growing closer to God, you grow closer to each other and keep your eyes, you know, heavenly focused but also establish the relation and grow the relationship between the two of you, then it's really a perfect triangle.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I want to go back to you talking about the unequally yoked marriages where one of the spouses is a nonbeliever. I was talking with a friend and she is in a relationship like this and I loved how she handled this situation because she has concerns about her children and she wants to see her spouse saved, but I love how she's been responding to him. So I'm using just a very practical you know this real world illustration of this, because she didn't place on him expectations of him to act like a believer.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Because she knew he's not a believer, he doesn't believe this, so she doesn't expect him to act like one. And then the other thing that she's been doing is she's just living out her faith genuinely. Her kids see her reading her Bible. They see her going to church.
Speaker 2:She takes them to church because her husband, thankfully, is okay with her taking them to church, she takes them to church, she reads the Bible with them, she prays with them and she said I'm starting to see fruit of that. She said my kids see me reading my Bible and I find them with their Bibles in their room reading. Or the other day, you know, we were going through like a hard thing with a friend and my son was like let's pray for my friend right now, Totally unprompted, but that was because she has been laying this genuine faith and this genuine foundation. So, even though her spouse is not on board with this because of her conversation, he, you know, is good with her taking the kids to church and she's still able to see fruit in her children because of the faith that she's displaying. For them.
Speaker 1:That's a wonderful mindset and really just that consistent living, consistent godliness. And I mean, think about it. It's hard enough when you want to do it and have the support group around you. Right, Think about when people are resisting and resisting and resisting, even within your house. I commend that. I think honestly that those are the even stronger believers than a lot of us, who have a great godly marriage and try to please the Lord and again are far from perfect, but yeah, that's awesome.
Speaker 2:And it just kind of goes to show that when you are living out your faith and actually responding in a godly manner, it does influence your spouse and they still have a good marriage.
Speaker 1:Absolutely yeah, and why wouldn't they want? You know someone who you know loves them and appreciates them and is really kind of taking a lot of that load? Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2:I guess we'll move on to the last verse that I have for this kind of section, and it's Colossians 3.13. It says Forbearing one another and forgiving one another. If any man have a quarrel against any, even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. Yeah, you are going to have fights and you're going to do stuff that you shouldn't say and you probably shouldn't have done and you're going to probably have a regret. Forgive one another.
Speaker 1:Yes, absolutely, and we have the ultimate example of that love and that forgiveness, and yeah, I think that we can just always know that this is what we ought to do and swallow that pride and just move on.
Speaker 2:It does really come back to pride, because forgiveness takes humility.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yep, absolutely yeah.
Speaker 2:So here's some practical steps for resolving conflict, because once again we are going to all have conflict in marriage. Philippians 4, 6 through 7 says be careful for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God. Pray before you speak.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's a good one.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:You know, even just other things in life I sometimes I'll find myself, you know, go round and round and round and round and round in my head and I'm like, have I? Prayed about this yet and I'm like, oh man. And so then I'm kind of embarrassed that. I haven't, but absolutely when you're going into these conversations and you know, it's going to be tense and you know that you can kind of cut the tension with a knife. That's a great place to start.
Speaker 2:Talk to God first. Lord, lead me by the Spirit right now, because fleshly, this is not what I want to happen right now. So starting there and asking the Holy Spirit to guide your words is a huge place to start and it needs to be the place to start, especially if you know that it is, you know, a big conflict that you're going to be going into.
Speaker 1:So next time you come up to me and you'd be like, babe, we need to pray.
Speaker 2:I'm going to be like oh no, here we go.
Speaker 1:I already prayed about this, Are you? Have you prayed?
Speaker 2:Oh, actually Trina just mentioned that in Sunday school the other day she said someone came up and and I can't remember who she said, but basically is they asked. I can't remember the exact phrase, but basically is are you prayed up?
Speaker 1:Like, are you geared up for today? And it just that makes me chuckle. Yeah, great question, yeah.
Speaker 2:All right. James 1, 19 says wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear slow to speak slow to wrath. So we need to be willing to listen before we respond, and that I think you saying like ask the questions. Yes, that is part of this.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and again, I can't stress enough how much you learn by listening, because sometimes you just genuinely get a tidbit of information that you didn't have. And then also sometimes you can find out where that person is coming from and if you can just understand their mindset, a lot of times it can help you maybe frame your words in a better way to help with that understanding. Because again, I don't know how to say it and it's almost like you just have to feel it or see it in the moment. But sometimes you have to hear what they're not saying, even when they're answering your questions. It's like what is going on in their mind. What is the basis of this frustration? What is causing this miscommunication?
Speaker 1:or this misunderstanding, or you know again the frustration, and just again that listening matters so much and it's so easy to just talk, talk, talk, talk, talk you know, that I can talk for hours about the silliest things, but if you just stop and listen, it can help so much.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so what would you say? You know, one question that we got was what if your spouse thinks they're always right, Like, what do you do in that situation? You know, and I'm trying to apply this from you know the asking the question and like trying to understand your spouse, Like, maybe it's like a, a why do they feel the need to always prove themselves?
Speaker 1:right.
Speaker 2:Like you know, coming like as a man, like what would you think if you were always trying to prove yourself right?
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I think it's very multifaceted, so I could probably say a lot of different things and it may or may not be applicable, but sometimes if you, if a man, doesn't feel respected and doesn't feel heard and maybe, maybe just doesn't feel like you're really on board, or on their team, then they'll want to show you all the time about you know how they're right, or to feel validated, or to you know, just prove themselves.
Speaker 1:and if they're in that, you don't even necessarily have to be belittled to feel that way. But, man, I mean you want to, like, put a spring in my step, you know, tell me how good I did something, or whatever, and it's like it could be the simplest thing.
Speaker 2:I told you your arms looked really nice the other day and you were like you could tell me that every day, Right?
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I mean you don't know how much that means to me and I mean I literally I've been working out for I mean years, but you know, really trying to be intentional the past seven weeks and it like that was so validating.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and so again, it seems shallow, but it's not like to a man, that's a, that's a big thing, it's a huge deal, yeah, deal yeah, because, again, if you're just kidding, belittled all the time, and I mean, there is always something that you can compliment someone on, yeah.
Speaker 1:so again, I think this in as a husband, you need to do this as well. Like you know, compliment. So there are, you know, I try to tell you all the time you physical things, mental things, spiritual things there's so many different ways you can compliment someone and, even if they're not doing what you think they should be doing, pick something to compliment them about and encourage them, and I think that would go a long ways.
Speaker 1:So, again, I don't know if that's the root of them trying to prove that they're right or that they're a quote unquote, always right, but I bet you that is a factor.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I can see that Because I was thinking about that in parenting the other day. It's like when a child is constantly fighting for something, is it because we don't tell them yes, enough, you know. And it's just kind of like it's so easy to be like, no, we're not going to do that or no, we're not going to do that. And in parenting it's like, okay, if I just said yes to that, we wouldn't have had this fight.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's a great analogy. And then all of a sudden they're like oh my goodness, like they just said yes, Like I said yes, like I guess I probably don't really need that over there or whatever.
Speaker 2:But then it also makes it so that when you do say no to something, they're like oh mom must really mean this, you know, and it can probably be the same thing you know with this situation?
Speaker 1:well, it's intentional at that point yeah flippant where it's just like no, no, no, no, no or whatever, but um yeah, there, I personally think that, and again, it's very simple love and respect, and not everyone is the same, but I think we're relatively the same at our core, where in general men want to be respected and kind of need that respect in life. Women want to be loved and they need love in their life and we all need a little bit of both, or a lot of both, or whatever.
Speaker 1:But yeah, I mean it's scriptural right. Ephesians 5.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly, and you were jumping ahead in my notes again.
Speaker 1:Oh, I'm sorry. You do this to me all the time, which just shows how on the same page we are.
Speaker 2:But Mark 10, 8 through 9 says and they twain shall be one flesh. So then they are no more twain, but one flesh.
Speaker 1:We need to seek unity and not victory when we are fighting, and you talked about that.
Speaker 2:You said you know like we need to be unified. You know to not be proving that we're right, right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so this is a really random example and I'll keep it quick, but I've always I remember really young, like you know, I mean not like five years old but like you know, young teens, teenage years I remember reading the story of the Tower of Babel and literally God said that people are one and basically they can accomplish anything. And I remember thinking like even God respects unity and that to me, was so powerful and it's just something that like when you are literally one and just dialed in together, that's a powerful marriage.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean. The Bible says blessed are the peacemakers. It doesn't say the peacekeepers, it says the peacemakers. And that is what we need to have unity. You know, sometimes it is putting down or picking up the towel and doing something for your spouse, or it is laying down the rope and letting go of you know, something that you wanted.
Speaker 1:And it takes work. I mean making peacemakers. You're making something, you are working, you're working at it.
Speaker 2:Exactly. And then, obviously, there are going to be times where there are going to be conflicts that you just can't resolve, and that's where we need to have wise counsel. Proverbs 11, 14 says where no counsel is, the people fall. But in the multitude of counselors there is safety but in the multitude of counselors. There is safety. I mean there have been many times where we've talked to parents about you know, whatever, and so we usually start there.
Speaker 2:I'm very thankful that we have godly parents that we can go to and seek wise counsel from, but it could be a close friend, especially I, would you know caution to make sure that you're going to a friend whose marriage is healthy. You know not go to someone to commiserate, but to go to someone who you are genuinely seeking wise counsel from and just be like how would you handle this in your marriage? Someone that you trust obviously a pastor yeah.
Speaker 1:So literally tons of things just went through my mind with this, because I absolutely agree, you have to.
Speaker 1:I mean again, it's scriptural you have to seek wise counsel, but it doesn't say seek counsel period, it says seek wise counsel and you can totally. Again, a ton of things went through my head. But I was at a conference I believe it was in Nashville a couple of years ago and there was a speaker there and it was a psychologist and it talked about conflict resolution. Actually I probably should have grabbed those notes, but I remember him talking about I believe it's called a triangle or something along those lines where you can always find someone that you know you can commiserate with.
Speaker 2:Or will validate what you're saying. Yes.
Speaker 1:And then you can kind of team up with that person against the other person Right?
Speaker 2:Well, so-and-so said yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:And that happens in the workplace. But again, in this specific instance, in marriage, if you yeah, you go to that friend that doesn't really like your husband anyways, and you're complaining and blah, blah, blah, and then all of a sudden your husband's a dirtbag and you want to divorce or whatever. And so, yes, find someone who is godly, find someone who is wise, find someone who maybe you aspire to be more like.
Speaker 2:Those are the people to listen to.
Speaker 1:Don't just go and find someone to basically validate your selfish thoughts or whatever, and again, most of our listeners are females, right, so I use the wife, but that obviously is as or even more important for the men who are listening to this where yeah, I mean it's easy to you know, go to your buddies and be like just ragging on your wife and you know it's just, it's not healthy, it's not wise, it's actually very foolish.
Speaker 2:Yeah, years ago I had a friend who gave me one of the best compliments that I ever had she. I was talking to her about you and she literally stopped me and she was like I have never heard you say one bad thing about him and I've thought about that, because I can't say that that's not always true, you know, like I mean, there's going to be times where you know I've talked with friends or whatever.
Speaker 2:And it was I. I said I was, you know, trying to get wise counsel, but sometimes it's just I'm bending, you know it happens, but I remember her saying that and that was. I mean probably 10 plus years ago and I just thought I want that to always be my testimony of our marriage, you know I want people to be like you know what. Shanda loves and respects her husband and never says anything bad about him, even though we know him you know, yeah, right, exactly yeah. I think it's great, yeah, so again.
Speaker 1:I didn't want to basically sidetrack or derail that thought, but I do think that really can go one way or the other fast.
Speaker 2:Well, your friend needs to be the one that's willing to speak. The truth in't be validated.
Speaker 1:But, at the same time if you filter it through God's word and filter it through the godly, biblical counsel, wise counsel, and you're still coming to the same conclusion, then, okay, that probably makes sense. You need to get counseling Hopefully, as a married couple can go get couples counseling, things like that. And again, you don't just seek out the people who are on your side. You seek out the people who are going to root out the truth.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly Now. I think we can end with this verse here. It's Romans 12, 18. It says, if it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men. All men is your husband, all men is your wife you know and, as much as lies within you, live peaceably with them. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:I think you know, to me, peacefulness is energizing, it's comforting, it's safe. It's a feeling of safety and all those things. So yeah, like who wants to come home male, female, whatever to a home that's just filled with anxiety and frustration and basically the opposite of peace? Whether it's unsafe, all of those things. So try to create a home in a marriage that is just is a peaceful marriage.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, hopefully this is, you know we've we're able to give maybe some good biblical advice on this. You know, like we said, we can't necessarily speak into every situation that was out there, so we tried to pull key biblical truths and really, you can't change your spouse, so it starts with you and just if you are seeking God and you are asking for wisdom and you are trying to live by the spirit, that will impact the conflicts that you have. Yeah, absolutely yeah.
Speaker 1:And unfortunately it takes a lot of time. It takes years, potentially, or maybe even likely, you know, depending on where you're at in your marriage. But you know that's not an excuse to just be passive and just to sit by the wayside. But I use the phrase every once in a while of like I'm patiently aggressive, so it's like you're always doing something and you're purposeful and you're moving forward.
Speaker 2:Boom, boom, boom. It's that peacemaker. Yes, it's the doing. Yes.
Speaker 1:But you're also understanding that, hey, this is going to take a while and you're being patient. You don't expect results today, tomorrow, That'd be nice right. But yeah, hang in there. This is your encouragement to look introspectively first and and then, you know, look basically outside of your marriage if you need to. For that biblical counsel, that wise counsel. But you know, love your spouse, take care of them and really just kind of keep working at it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think one of the last things too is just trusting God, because I can't always change you but God can, and it's when I'm seeking Him in prayer and taking the things to Him in prayer. I just need to trust and kind of just leave it in His hands and obviously be a vessel that he can use and when we're led by the Holy Spirit we can do that.
Speaker 2:But just trusting that he is working, even when we can't see it, you know and hopefully we'll get glimpses of fruit, you know, in certain areas, but yeah, yeah, it takes a lot of work. All right, well, do you have anything else to add?
Speaker 1:No, I think I stood up on my soapbox long enough. No, hopefully it didn't come across like that. But, these are, you know. I mean, these are things that we're pretty passionate about, right? Because, again, if those things fester, and. I mean any marriage is susceptible to, you know, just discontent and frustration and resentment and all those things.
Speaker 2:So again it's kind of keeping that short account and like on here, I mean obviously. I mean this is being broadcasted to however many number of people. We're not going to air all of our dirty laundry on here because that is a respect thing for our marriage. And so I don't want this to, like you said, come across as like we got this all figured out but these are biblical principles that we have applied in our marriage and that we know work.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and Lord willing, we'll continue to develop and foster that the rest of our lives.
Speaker 2:Exactly.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and teach our kids as well.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yep.
Speaker 1:Just had to throw that in there, All right, well until next time.
Speaker 2:we want to encourage you to seek God, love your spouse, hug your kids and stay devoted. Thank you for tuning in to this Devoted Life podcast with James and Shanda. We appreciate your support in sharing biblical, uplifting truths with the world. If you found value in this episode, please leave us a rating and review on your favorite podcast platform. Your feedback helps us to improve the show and we'd love to hear from you. Be sure to hit subscribe so you never miss an episode. To learn more about how to live a life devoted to God and family, head over to thisdevotedlifecom. You can also follow me, shanda, on Instagram at devoted underscore motherhood. Thank you again for listening and we look forward to seeing you next time on this Devoted Life podcast.